Why Cardi B will be the next GOP President
Things are getting bloody hot in here. Summer 2020 is chaos.
Donald Trump is losing what little he had left in the tank. Even an über-narcissist like him cannot maintain this much grifting and blood spilling. He is cracking under the pressure. And it shows.
The GOP are going to have to find a replacement, and quick. But who?
There’s one prime candidate for the new leader of the Republican party and it’s Ms. Cardi B.
Ok, ok. Hear me out.
There is little doubt that lil’ Donny from the block has moulded the GOP into his image.
A political wing that once pronounced virtue and fidelity has in a mere three and half years dismissed any attempt of maintaining perennial Republican principles or values. And it doesn’t seem like anyone cares. But, after the dusk comes a new dawn.
And her name is Cardi B.
Cardi will be the new hope for the GOP.
And here’s why.
For the sake of currency, we’ll work backwards.
We’ll start with diminutive right-wing conservative sweetheart, Ben Shapiro.
Ben loves Cardi B. His recitation of Cardi’s late summer banger WAP (Wet Ass Pu**y) was meant to be a skewering of the neo-feminist movement sprinkled with some comedic holier-than-thou water, but the side effects were a tidal wave of embarrassment for pubescent man-child, Shapiro.
Shapiro proceeded to inadvertently disclose his gross lack of bedroom prowess and basic knowledge of female anatomy, which almost unanimously garnered sympathy for Shapiro’s wife from women around the globe.
But Shapiro’s trite feminism critique put Cardi B on the republican radar, and as the old adage goes, any press is good press. Which is definitely something that the current POTUS understands extremely well.
And this is where the long list of similarities between Cardi and Trump begins.
Like Trump, Cardi has a cracking knack for media manipulation. And she has even greater(ahem), assets.
This ability to control the spotlight is imperative. No problem there. Box checked.
The next requirement is a compelling backstory.
Like Trump, Cardi is from New York and much more so than Trump, she is an actual self-made success story, — the daughter of immigrants who pulled herself by her high heeled bootstraps and made it to the top without the socialist handouts. That is a story Conservatives can get behind.
But what about her liberal use of the profane, you ask? Well, Dear Reader, that ship has long sailed.
We all know that ideals and decorum are no longer part of the GOP value set. Those virtues got steam-rolled way back in the last election under the Access Hollywood bus. Republicans are no longer burdened by traditional rites, like manners. Week by week, and month by month, as elected Republican officials bestowed lavish praises and honours upon him, any piety they had dissipated quicker than a Scaramucci tenure.
However, the best relationships are cooperative, and when Trump finally abdicates his throne, the GOP will be left scrambling for a new bright and shiny object.
Cardi offers an array of positives for the GOP if they wish to secure the Whitehouse in 2024.
She can help dispel the racism and sexism that seems to dogged the party. Conservative pundits can yell, “See, we love Black women” and parade her about like some modern day Jezebel. Cardi has much more clout (followers) than dim witted, race absolver Candace Owens.
And by this, Cardi can help coalesce a new silent majority. She will attract the Black women vote, a demographic that has eluded the GOP strategists for decades.
In fact, she speaks to all women. In a recent viral video, Cardi gives women’s health advice regarding biological pH levels. An issue that all women, regardless of ethnicity, can relate. There’s the women vote tied up, check.
Scroll any pro-Trump social media page and you’ll find countless praises within the comment section touting Donnie’s “straight talk” and “courage to tell the truth”. But if courage and straight talk is what conservatives appreciate in a leader, then Cardi B is their girl. She makes ol’ Trump look and sound like a politically correct lifer. And God knows, Conservatives detest political correctness. Cardi’s liberal use of the N-word will ease restrictions for republicans to use the last forbidden oral fruit.
Until now, white right wingers could only use the N-word in the safety of their own homes, or at country clubs, on yachts or in Volvos or at Trump rallies, or at white supremacist meetings, which is totally unfair. Why can black people use it and the right wing not? But with Cardi B throwing the N-word around, perhaps conservatives will finally be free to be racist. Take that, political correctness.
And finally, the Republicans can frame her as a change agent, someone who is taking the party in a bold new direction, the new face of the party. A fresh branding will be a strategic necessity to shake the stench of the Trump crime family once the inevitable convictions are handed down.
Speaking of change, Cardi will be able to carry on the Mike Pence’s gay conversion therapy torch. Conversion therapy has had limited success. Mike Pence’s home state of Indiana still seems to have gays. What’s up with that? Perhaps Cardi’s assets will prove better results. It’s worth a try. If not, at least we will have something to dance to.
